Sarah writes:
I know pregnancy is a taboo subject in the Amish culture… what are the does and don’t when discussing? I have very close Amish friends. The woman is about 8 months pregnant by my estimate and today is the first day her husband has even acknowledged her pregnancy to me, and quite honestly, he only acknowledged it because she needs to go see a midwife today and needs a ride. Her sister in law explained to me last year that pregnancy is just not dicussed, especially in front of kids.
And that’s usually how it seems to go. I never know when Amish friends have one on the way. I show up and there is another baby or one clearly about to happen. And even when it’s obvious, it never comes up, even as a mention.
It’s always struck me as funny. With English, an impending baby is usually big, joyous news. Or if not that, people are at least not bashful talking about it, especially when things get un-hidable.
On the one hand, Amish consider children treasures, to the point of calling them the only riches they can take with them to heaven. You’d think it would be hard to contain the excitement. Yet I believe, like with many things, there is also a tempering humility–a baby is a gift, a child of God–nothing less, nothing more.
In reality, Amish do discuss pregnancy, just in more restrained fashion. In An Amish Paradox, the authors cite the editors of The Budget newspaper: “the term pregnancy would not be used in letters; a phrase like with child is considered more appropriate.” They add: “This caution is especially prominent among Old Order and Swartzentruber Amish and appears to be tied to concerns about modesty and privacy.”
I have always thought there’s an element of birds and bees squeamishness as well. There might be more to it than this, which Amish or Amish-raised readers are probably better qualified to comment on. Just a topic that has always wondered me, and I guess Sarah too.
Photo credit: Leszek Leszczynski
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30 responses to Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
I cant speak specifically to the Amish in this, but I know in the 19th century it was something that just was never mentioned. The point was brought out that in all the diaries on the Oregon trail, noone ever mentions someone being being pregnant, or even mentions the delivery. Usually, as you said, a new baby just appears, or there is a mention that the wagon had to stop for a day. This even occurs in the journals the women kept themselves. It just wasnt done, and Im inclined to think that this attitude has just continued on in the Amish…at least thats theory!
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Things may be changing
When I first began studying Amish life 20 years ago, I made the mistake of asking one of our host family mothers when their baby was due. It was an awkward moment, and later when I asked another Amish friend about my faus pax, his explanation was that it brought to mind what happened to produce a pregnancy. My mother, may she rest in peace, would have understood perfectly. In the last few years, I have observed, at least among my more progressive Amish friends in the large settlements, that we talk more freely about pregnancy. I am assuming that is true within their culture also, but I confess that I do not know that for sure. I need to ask. Machs goot, Rich Stevick
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Pregnancy
At one place I worked, the talk around the coffee table was often quite frank for a mixed group. One time in particular, a modest young Christian woman got up and left, saying “Is nothing sacred anymore!? I think this may be part of the reason for the restraint in this area among the plain people. There is much difference of opinion concerning sex education. Some people are afraid that by discussing this with our children, we are introducing them to a subject that they don’t need to know about yet. Others feel certain they will learn somewhere, perhaps someplace inappropriate if we don’t teach them. Some are just not comfortable enough with this sacred? private? subject to talk about it, especially to their children. It may be a subject they can joke about with other men but not discuss seriously with anyone.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
I would say this is something that is definately hush hush in the real conservative groups. The women do not even wear maternity clothes so when it is too ‘immodest’ to go out in public they simply stay home. In those circumstances there would be little talk about being ‘with child’. Do not think for a moment though, that the rest of the women don’t know.
All it takes is 2 or 3 others finding out and it will hit the grapevine and the rest is history.
In the New Order church where the women do wear maternity clothes pregnancy is a more open subject. Once a woman shows up wearing a smock dress, her way of publicly announcing she’s pregnant, then there will be much talk of ‘the baby’.Of course in both cases, there is hardly ever ANY chance of a man saying anything about being pregnant to a woman. However, there is a VERY GOOD chance that a woman will see that another is pregnant and tell her husband and he will then make mention of it to the father to be…..and the news gets around and thus the subject is acknowledged, just in a more round about way than the ‘Englishers’.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Hush Erik, don’t talk about it.
LOL, Katie!
My lip is zipped!
Erik, I wasn’t serious about hushing up but I just had to remind you that we Amish don’t talk such stuff.
I figured so Katie, having gotten some sense of your humor I figured I was being joshed a little here…anyway, not to worry, “mum’s” the word…
I don’t think it is so strange that the Amish do not talk about pregnancy openly. My mother has told me that was the fact when she was a child in the 40s. Women wore a strange ‘coat’ to hide the round stomage, with the result of course that all adults knew that a woman in such a coat was pregnant but as long as you could not see the curve of the stomage one could not officially see that she was pregnant and it was not openly talked about. My mother found it laughable when her mother came with such a coat when she got pregnant in the 60s. Then it was OK to show your belly although pregnancy clothes were not as closefitting as today and you were not expected to flaunt your belly for everyone to see but wear a loose blouse and skirt or a loose dress.
I can sometimes think that we talk too much about pregnancy today, why can’t we allow women to be private about it if they like? I have been tired lately and it was suggested by several people that I might be pregnant. What if I was and I wouldn’t like to talk about it until it was evident? What if I felt forced to admit I was and then had to tell people that I had miscarried later? No, I don’t ask people if they are pregnant even when I can see that is the fact, everyone do not want to talk too much about it and I respect that.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Another Example of Over-generalization
This strikes me as yet another example of over-generalization about the whole of the Amish and their culture. Among the Old Order of Mt. Hope, at least among my friends, there is very little of the avoidance of the subject. I have been invited to 2 showers this past year and I routinely get updates on how pregnant relatives of my 3 gal-pals are doing. The conversations are not stilted towards modesty or secrecy. Granted, you don’t hear the men talking about it, but then English guys usually don’t carry on either. I am sure that it is less talked about by the Schwartzy’s – but as Plain Lady said, the women, they know and they hit the grapevine quickly….
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Disagreeing with a smile
Mary, true, but with Mount Hope Old Order Amish you are talking about a fairly progressive circle in Holmes County.
The other factor which you hit on and I agree with is that females are probably more likely to be comfortable discussing it. I have an example of this right now, I have a female English friend that learned about a pregnancy of a mutual Amish friend. On balance she knows the family less well than I do. Her husband has never mentioned anything on this or other pregnancies me, and we talk pretty serious subjects.
It also sounds like you have a pretty close connection with your gal pals
And just theorizing, but you also may be a safe outlet to discuss less-talked about things with since you are from outside the culture and the state even.
I don’t think, across-the-board, Amish discussion of pregnancy is near to what English do (though like Elin and Osiah hit on, perhaps as a society we have become too public with some things we discuss and share). I also don’t think it’s something discussed too much with children, ie not a lot of “Where do babies come from” books on Amish shelves.
But I think you may also be seeing, like Rich says, things changing. As another example, I noticed a number of material changes just on this past trip, with a 5-year and even 1-year gap in time between visits to some of the places I went to. You’ve also got at least one or two Amish produced magazines aimed at women and covering women’s issues. So like with a lot of things Amish this may be in flux, especially in progressive communities.
I think the record shows that I try to be pretty careful about over-generalizing on this blog. Maybe I’m wrong here, but I still don’t think it’s too outlandish to make this particular comparison.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Mea Culpa
Erik, Mea Culpa on this one… I should have been clearer that the over-generalization comment is about English society in general and not at all about your blog. You are actually a stand-out in a crowd when it comes to fighting over-generalizations about the whole of the Amish society. And, I do agree with you that the OO of Mt. Hope are fairly progressive on the “Amish Escalator” – but they are still “Amish” and therefore often included in broad sweeping statements about the Amish, including pregnancy. An interesting point to all of this is that while Amish (in Holmes County anyway) may not talk alot about pregnancy, as soon as the lil’ bundle of joy makes it to daylight, they do publish the info (baby’s name, parent’s names and birtday) in their Register (the bi-weekly church bulletin). Again, I apologize for not being clear about my iritation with over-generalizations…. I’ll endeavor to do better in the future.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Mary, no worries at all, and I should have mentioned that I was really interested to hear your comments on this. I am doubly at a disadvantage on this topic–a guy and English! I do admire the close connection you must have with the ladies in HC. There are some things I doubt I’ll be privy too and one of them is a baby shower
Always enjoy your great Holmes reports and photos as well.
I’ve enjoyed the responses on this thread and am now inspired to ask (discreetly of course!
) when I’m in Lancaster later in the month.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Eric, I didn’t think there would “be issue” between us on this – I just have to remember to think “globally”
(my political satire for the day)… I’ll be sure to ask my gals, discreetly as you mention, about the topic – especially about how they tackle the birds and the bees… Take care m’friend and I’ll sign on again later.
Pregnancy
I am a terrible tease, and in my ignorance I’ve teased young marrieds about the prospect of babies. “When can I expect my namesake?” That kind of thing. Usually we find out about a couple is expecting very late in the pregnancy. It isn’t announced; I only learn by badgering the parents of the couple.
A while back I asked our friend Viola why it’s kept on the down-low. Her answer was very simple: “You never know if something might go wrong.” Births are celebrated and deaths are mourned, and you can’t celebrate a life if it hasn’t yet arrived.
I can also tell you that the child who dies before birth is mourned. After a funeral for an elderly gentleman, the siblings of a brother who died in childbirth took time to visit his grave site. They have no memory of him, yet they mourn him as one of their own.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Keith I’ve been too passive I think, I will use badgering from now on, thanks for the tip
Thanks for sharing about the visitation. It’s good to hear things like this.
I read alot of Amish books but this is the first I heard about this. Good to know tho so I dont say anything stupid at the wrong time
When's that Baby Due?
I grew up in a conservative Baptist community. We didn’t know when our mother was pregnant until she went to the hospital to have the baby! Like most farm children, we had a good idea of how babies came to be, and I suspect some of the reticence was that sex was involved, but some of it was that in a community where people felt sorry for a family that had fewer than four children, it was just so commonplace it didn’t bear discussion. Most women knew what to expect, having seen their own mothers, aunts and older sisters through pregnancies, and they knew exactly how they would raise their children. That, of course, was the way they had always been raised, along the lines of “figure out why the baby is crying, and do something about it.” There was less to discuss.
I believe it was in one of Donald Kraybill’s books that the anecdote was told about a bishop having to order parents to see that the children had adequate sex education, because too many girls were getting pregnant during their rumspringa years. The young people were getting carried way by hormonal excitement, and no one had told them just what actions lead to pregnancy.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Interesting topic Erik. It’s rather paradoxical when you really think about it. Acknowledging a pregnancy and how the pregnancy came to be is Biblical. God is pretty clear about His creation and how He made men and women to come together to procreate. What seems to be the difference to me is that perhaps most Amish people are private about what goes on in the marriage bed than most English people.
I can also understand not telling people right away because there is a greater chance of miscarriage in the early months.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
similar to Orthodox Judaism
I’ve worked within the Orthodox Jewish community, and this is also a taboo subject. I’m sure close friends, mainly women, discuss it, but for an outsider like me it was never acknowledged. I think it’s rooted in modesty as well as a bit of superstition that one doesn’t talk about the baby until there’s actually a visible, delivered baby. Baby showers happen after the birth.
I was a visiting speech therapist working with a woman’s first child, and she appeared to be “pg”. I never said anything, of course. Finally, one day she called to cancel the appointment “because I had a baby last night.”
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
to sanctify the space of mother and child with in
it is happening to me, that i sometimes feel wanting to lower my look when crossing ways with an obviously pregnant women on the street in switzerland … like having a feeling not wanting to interfere with the very delicate communication of mother and child with in… like not really knowing am i pure enough to intrude in the aura of those two symbioticly united beings by looking too intensly … and perhaps subcounciously influence this wonder and blessing for the community, what each mother and child unity is.
that is how i can understand, why a community would not want to direct attention onto the state of a mother having a child with in …
or i try to think of it like … the descending spirit, the newly arriving soul learning to know its future environment shall not be disoriented by a special attention. if the baby within is able to witness without being center of focus, it might find it easier to learn better about its future community
very high flying topic i find that … i am just so much in awe about the wonder of a soul being nourished and given a fleshly bonely “cloth”
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
WOW – Andreas – that was simply a beautiful way to put it…. thanks!
thank you mary, for giving me this thumbs up
i somehow feel like i could share here two texts i wrote some years ago and what seem both fitting here …
the first is a blog post i wrote at
http://mayloveheal.wordpress.com/2010/07/02/an-earthly-heaven-for-pregnant-mothers-and-newborn/
what proposes actually exact the opposite to the trying-not-to-give-special-attention approach …. but the idea is basically that there could be a special house being set up, where woman with child can be with each other and truly celebrate this special phase of their life … and as it is with group prayer and meditation … if there are more individuals sharing the same frequence of thought, emotion and in this case physical state … the blessings of some woman with child gathering together and forming a kind of convent …. not to say a monastery … but pointing in this direction, that as more importance the society gives to the earliest experiences of its future acting members … the higher the standard for the women with child … the better the condition will be for the new member of the community to evolve into its full potential
the second text is a more general one and a bit sensual … but it is somehow a bit like my credo, what i truly believe and i hope it is okay i add it here…. perhaps it is this awe for the life in a flesh body with all the sensual delights nature offers …
( written in 2006 )
we know it all
we know of the moment without time
we know of the space without place
we know of the gift to be born in a body
we know of being lover and beloved, woman and man, mother and father, sister and brother, child and adult, all in one
we know we are whole
we know of the power air, fire, earth and water bring to our bare body
we know of the pleasure playing around with all the fellow living beings as playmates, dancingmoving, droningwhisperingsinging like god esse s worshipping the one in all
we know of the joy looking into each others eyes, hugging warmly, stroking skin softly, sharing holy nectar in a kiss, as the celebration of the love who flows from all to all
we know we are what we want to be
i in you, you in me, she in him, he in her, all in one, one in all
we
know
we
feel
we
are
it
all
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Just my two cents
I think some of it is generational as well as not wanting to draw too much attention to oneself. In my own family, my maternal grandmother had seven children in nine years. She would never allow us to say the word ‘legs’ in her presence because it was a sexual term and it meant we were talking ‘dirty.’ Instead she called them her limbs. In her PA German accent she would say to my mom, “Ach Chennie (Jennie) my limbs ache me so.”
Terry
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
As a child, or at least as a teenager, I found it awkward to discuss pregnancy because it ultimately led back to how that pregnancy began. At least that was the case in my mind anyway. So I pretty much just ignored the issue, even if the poor woman before me was about to deliver on the spot. I just refused to acknowledge that pregnancies even existed.
As a young adult and recently married I had just gotten use to the idea that it was okay to discuss pregnancies with other people, even the person who was pregnant, when I was asked to “entertain” a young lady who was visiting our office while the person she was with was in a meeting with our boss. I showed her around the facility and when we got to a slow point in our conversation I made the ultimate faux pas; “So, when is the baby due?” only to hear “I am NOT pregnant; just really, really fat”. OOOPS! Talking about a conversation killer … that pretty much did it.
I immediately went back to my earlier stance of ignoring pregnancies. My wife was probably 6 or 7 months along with our oldest (who BTW, was 28 years old yesterday) before I ever even acknowledged to my family that she was pregnant. I pretty much have not changed my approach on this matter either. I seldom engage in discussions about pregnancies and even then ONLY after virtually ever one else in the conversation has had their say. I am NOT going to make the “fat” mistake again! However, I will now have new tool to deal with this subject. In the future when I see someone that might be pregnant I am just going to act like they are Amish and I don’t have to say a word!
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
I've talked about it
I have Old Order Amish friends in Ronks, Pa and we have discussed pregnancy with no secrecy. I first met Katie, late 50s, in October. We had a wonderful open discussion in her home which included talks of pregnancy. I went back in July and met her daughter. We all spoke very openly. I am wondering if it is just because you are male.
i was the one who originally stated the question. it has been an interesting couple of months here. i brought my friend to see her midwife about a month ago. while trying to find someone to watch her other 2 children, her husband casually said it was so they could go fishing… haha! anyway, since then, my friend had the most beautiful baby girl. mama and child were healthy and headed home 2 hours after the birth! oy! i feel blessed that they trusted me enough to be a part of their child’s birth.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
Thanks for updating us Sarah. I’ve actually had a couple of more direct conversations since this post went up. I do think it is an easier topic among women though, as Alexis suggests.
Out of wedlock children
My great-great-great grandmother was Amish and bore my great-great grandfather out of wedlock in 1865 in southern Pennsylvania. The baby’s father was not Amish; family lore says he traveled selling patent medicines. I don’t know if that’s how he met the mother. What would have been the reaction of the Amish community to this birth? Would the mother have been shunned? If so, would she have been welcomed back if she repented? My questions are not entirely relevant to this post, but I can’t seem to find any other information on the internet about what may have been this grandmother’s fate.
Why don’t Amish discuss pregnancy?
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