Saloma Miller Furlong on Why I Left the Amish

Saloma Miller Furlong was raised Amish in Ohio.  Why I Left the Amish is the story of her childhood and adolescence, and eventual departure from Amish society.

Saloma Furlong MillerI enjoyed meeting Saloma for the first time this summer while in PA, and have always appreciated her comments here on the blog.  I just recently had a chance to read Why I Left the Amish and found her story to be filled with tough moments but quite a page-turner (maybe for that very reason).

Saloma’s story is not a rose-colored version of Amish life but a real look at one person’s experience growing up in difficult circumstances.  Saloma has kindly answered a few questions today about her Amish experience and book.

Why I Left the Amish book giveaway

Saloma has also offered a copy of Why I Left the Amish for a lucky winner.  To enter this book giveaway contest, just leave a comment or question in the comments section.

For an extra entry, share this interview on Facebook (just email amishamerica@gmail.com letting know you did).  We’ll draw and announce the winner next Thursday, Feb. 2.

Saloma Miller Furlong interview

Amish America: Can you share a bit about yourself and your Amish background, and also how this book came about?

Saloma Miller Furlong: I grew up in Geauga County, Ohio, in a family of seven children. My family was a dysfunctional one (mentally ill father, a mother who did not protect us, and an abusive older brother). I often felt that my life was unbearable, and yet I thought there was no help for my family because the people in the community were not inclined (nor were they equipped) to deal with our family problems.

saloma-furlong-why-i-left-the-amishThen I found out that there was indeed help for our family, but we had to reach into the outside world to get it. My mother refused to allow an intervention, which is when I escaped at twenty years old. My book concludes with the first time I left.

The first time I thought about writing a book about my life experiences was the second time I was leaving. The Amish had hired a van driver to bring the bishop and his wife, my uncle, who was also a minister, and his wife, my brother, sister, and a friend to go to Vermont to escort me back to the community. I did not think I had a choice, so I returned and stayed nearly three more years before I left a second and final time. So when I was leaving the second time, an “English” friend urged me to write my story and soon, so that I would remember the details. She was the first, but she was not the last to say, “You need to write your story.”

What I didn’t know when I left the second time is that I could not just turn my back and walk away from my past. There came a time when I had to reckon with the abuse from my past, which led me to therapy. During this healing process, journaling became important. When I finally felt I had come through the hardest part of my healing, I had the urge to write for others. I began that process 17 years before my book made it into print.

How typical or atypical was your experience growing up Amish?

Saloma: I have often been asked this question at my book talks, and I always say, I simply do not know. Wherever there is abuse, there is also a cloak of secrecy. I believe the first step in breaking the cycle of abuse is to break the silence that shrouds it. Because of the insular nature of the Amish community, that cloak is thicker and more impenetrable than ever, which makes it nearly impossible to find out how much abuse exists in their communities.

I believe there are well-adjusted Amish families, from what I saw while I was teaching school for two years. I just have no idea what percentage.

In your book you describe the abuse that you and your sisters experienced, the difficult relationships with your parents and older brother.  But what are your happiest memories from your time at home?

saloma miller amish
Saloma Miller, age 20. Just before leaving the first time

Saloma: I loved what I call “homemade fun.” I remember we used to take a blanket and fold it in half. A small person would lay down on it, and then two bigger people would hold two corners each, making a swinging hammock. We’d swing the child back and forth, and then “land” him or her on the couch.

I loved jumping rope. And I used to love to swing on the rope swing hanging from a tall branch of an oak tree next to the woodshed. My sisters and I played “house” for many hours in the woodshed or the corncrib. In the fall we used to rake together freshly fallen leaves into a big pile, and bury one another. Sometimes our pile was big enough to bury three or four children at once. We also used to try to catch the falling leaves, which were as elusive as butterflies.

Your detail the tribulations of dating in an important section of the book.  How does dating work in your community?

Saloma: Erik, you would have to ask me that. I’m always embarrassed to answer this question. My home community practiced “bed courtship.” It is believed that this practice derived from “bundling” in which a board was placed between the man and the woman during the time our ancestors were being persecuted back in Europe. This allowed young people to hide from the authorities in upstairs bedrooms, which were often cold.

Bundling allowed both people to stay warm under the bedcovers, while ‘visiting.’ Many generations ago, the board disappeared, leaving the bed courtship rituals. Even the Amish who still practice bed courtship (and most communities no longer do) are embarrassed to talk about this practice, because it is hard to explain to outsiders that they are not encouraging their young people to have sex, even though they allow them to go to bed together.

There’s much more about this in my book.

How many youth do you think join church the way you describe your own baptism–uncertain and reluctant? 

saloma miller left amish
Right after leaving. Also age 20

Saloma: I have no idea. Most people’s feelings were well-guarded, so I would not have been privy to how they felt about their baptism. These kinds of things were just not talked about. I sure could not share with anyone Amish how I felt about my own.

What are the good and bad sides of life as an Amish female?

Saloma: This is a very general question. I wouldn’t begin to try to answer this for anyone else. A positive for me was that I didn’t like doing farm work. Though I had to do some, if I had been a male, much more would have fallen on my shoulders. I enjoyed the women’s gatherings, such as quiltings or getting together for the day to take on some project. I think I’ve already mentioned the feeling of having no power, especially as a young girl. This was the down side for me — especially having so few directions that my life path could possibly take if I stayed Amish.

What ties do you still have to your home community?

Saloma: My ties to the community are dwindling. My parents are both deceased, and one family I used to visit when I went back to Ohio, moved to Kentucky. All my sisters have left the community. When my parents were still alive, we visited them regularly, and we attended both of their funerals.

Had you grown up in a healthier family situation, would you still be Amish today?

Saloma: I have often been asked this question at my talks and it’s one I cannot give a definitive answer to. For one thing, I’d have to have been endowed with a different nature — one that does not have fundamental questions boiling up from within. And that begs the “nature versus nurture” question — was it my circumstances that gave me that insatiable desire to ask questions, or was it inherent in me when I was born — who knows?

saloma furlong amish
Age 23 in Vermont, before leaving the Amish the second and final time

But this I do know. Even if I’d had a good Amish childhood, I imagine that I’d still have yearned for more education. And that alone may have been enough for me to face the loss of community that comes of leaving the Amish. Maybe. This is a question I simply cannot answer.

Why I Left the Amish ends when you arrive in Burlington, Vermont, having finally taken the step of leaving home.  Will you continue the story?

Saloma: Yes. I am co-writing the second book with my husband, David. He and I had met during my first stay in Vermont, which was only four months. We had been dating for about seven weeks when the Amish came to take me back. David had to watch this happen, knowing it was not my choice, and also knowing there was nothing he could do about it. He visited me in Ohio (the second time resulting in a thorough rejection) and he kept in touch with me via letters.

Finally, two years after I rejected him, I wrote to him, which started the four-month process of the two of us renewing our relationship. We married a year and a half after I left the second time. David’s voice is important in this story, because he has a perspective of many events that I don’t — I had no idea at the time that I had turned off all my feelings like a faucet at the kitchen sink turns off the flow of water when the Amish came to fetch me back to the community. He claims there was no light in my eyes and no feeling in my voice.

For an excerpt of our book (about our first date), you can visit my blog.

Where can readers buy your book, and find you online?

Saloma: The book can be bought at the following locations:

1. A signed copy directly from me online (Or come to one of my book talks: See my schedule of events.
2. Your local bookstore — most bookstores are happy to order the book if they don’t already carry it.
3. on Amazon
4. On Barnes and Noble

You can visit my blog and website. Also, I will be telling my story in a documentary called “The Amish” that will air on American Experience on February 28, 2012. After that, this documentary can be seen on their website. (They have chapter one of the film available now).

Photo credit: 1st Saloma Miller Furlong photo by Kerstin Martin

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    344 Comments

    1. Mary Ellsworth

      Thanks for writing your story ...

      Saloma, I know what you endured as a child had to be very difficult. I also had a father who suffered with mental illness which affected my own children more than it did me. I would so much enjoy reading your story. May God bless you and your husband on the writing of your second book. And bless you for breaking the cycle of abuse and writing your story to help others. Thanks, Mary

    2. Mary Ellsworth

      Thanks for writing your story ...

      Saloma, I know what you endured as a child had to be very difficult. Even though I was not and am not Amish, I also had a father who suffered with mental illness which affected my own children more than it did me. I would so much enjoy reading your story. May God bless you and your husband on the writing of your second book. And bless you for breaking the cycle of abuse and writing your story to help others. Thanks, Mary

      1. Mary, thank you for your nice words and thoughts. Many blessings to you as well.

      2. Barb Abel

        Love to win

        I would love to read your book It sounds very interesting. I think you are a very brave person

      3. Barb Abel

        Love to win

        I would love to win your book if not I will cerainly buy it

    3. Melissa Hummel

      Quick question

      Just wondering if you and David have any children, and if you have taken certain good things from the Amish community, and applied it to their upbringing? Very excited to read this book, and for the second to be printed!

      1. Melissa, we have two sons who are now grown and out of the house. I think there are things that we are patterned to do as children that we use in our own parenting. I sure enjoyed holding, nursing, and rocking my children. This is the only physical affection that is shown in Amish families… hugging or kissing children once they are no longer “lap babies” is just not done. So even though I nurtured in the way I was nurtured, I had to learn to parent “beyond” that. I was very affectionate with my boys; I read to them at night (also not done in my family); I refrained from using physical punishment; and I tried to teach them the natural consequences of their actions, rather than telling them to do something “just because I said so.”

        David grew up in a very different family than mine, so that played a part in the way we parented our boys, but beyond the baby stage, I had to chart new paths for parenting from the way I was brought up.

        Great question, Melissa. One I haven’t thought about in a while.

    4. Carol

      Very pleased to be given this opportunity. I would love to have this book in my collection. Thanks.

      1. Carol and Angie, I hope you both get to read my book and add it to your collection.

    5. Book

      Your book sounds very interesting…It is on my ‘to read’ list for sure! angadair@nwcable.net

    6. Outsiders often have an idealized view of Amish life. I grew up in Crawford County in northwestern PA. Several lovely Amish women came every week to clean Mom’s house in her later years and Mom attended at least one Amish wedding, where she was enthralled with the line-up of horses.

      Everyone was shocked to learn of a murder. A young Amish man, later found to be schizophrenic, walked to a neighbor’s house, a young child in his arms, and announced, “I think I killed my wife.” Indeed he had.

      1. Forsythia, what a shocking story! Did this man get help? It’s always so sad to hear things like this. Thankfully, this is not the norm… your experience with the women who clean your mother’s house is more typical.

    7. Bonnie

      While I have admired many of the Amish attributes, I realize like all humans they are not perfect. I look forward to reading your story. I hope that this story reaches those in the Amish community that might need outside help or intervention. Blessings to you for sharing.

      1. Bonnie, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you get to read the book.

    8. John Stoltzfus

      Good morning Saloma,

      We are still in the Old Order Amish faith, A book like this is something you won’t find in many Amish homes :), however I think it should be, because of the abuse issues.

      Life is supposed to be a individual journey and it is full of choices and our choices of remaining where we are would fill up this entire page.

      I have a cousin that had sexually abused their small daughter, started when she was six and ended when she turned 19. The sad part is his wife knew about it all the time and now he will rot in jail and will never see the outside, justice has been served. If there is a sickness in a community and a church, it needs to be taken care of, if not from the inside help needs to come from the outside.

      In my mind and many of our friends have very little compassion for a person that perverts small children.

      One thing I want to mention is that I respect your decision and I would think your unfortunate experience can now be used for helping others.

      God bless and carry on your message,

      Later,

      John

      1. John, thank you so much for writing. You have the story someone asked about yesterday… the one that writes, “Why I Stay Amish.” There is certainly a market for it…

        I happen to know that my book is being read in Amish communities… many people will not buy the book, but they still borrow it from their libraries… you know as well as I do that the Amish are a curious bunch.

        That is a sad story about the man who was molesting his daughter. The fact that his wife knew about it and did nothing does not surprise me. When you think about the message an Amish woman gets — that she needs to be subservient to her husband in all things — you can see how that will happen.

        Thank you very much for your support about my message. Yes, I hope it will help others.

        1. John Stoltzfus

          Good morning Saloma,

          I have written a few articles in the past but never a book, so I don’t think I’ll be writing the book “Why I stayed Amish”, however I would be happy to help you put it together:)

          The most interesting thing about it is that our Father actually went with a split in the Church back in the late 60’s and is still a Amish Mennonite or New Order, however my mother stayed with the Amish faith along with 6 boys, so never the less our up bringing was somewhat different then other kids in our area. This alone sets the plot.

          Mom’s refusal to go with Dad set the table for our upbringing, by remaining with Mom. I contribute most of our decisions being based on going to Church regularly at a young age and making friends from there. School is also a huge factor and of course the youth groups. Therefore you start to set a comfort level at a young age, however in your childhood that comfort was shattered and I can see myself doing exactly the same thing that you have done. Because we want to be comfortable in who we are, not by someone else manipulating our mind, ways and life.

          Most people are comfortable being in a community where they were brought up and it really does take a while (could be years), before you really decide that this is exactly where I want to stay.

          I think we were faced with a little more indecisiveness than some, because, I don’t ever remember seeing my Dad driving a horse. So after my wife and I got married it was more to it for me because in a lot of ways we were going backwards, no phones, no electric etc..

          I am not complaining to say the least and we are happy to be in the community that we are,

          Later,

          John

          1. John, your story sounds fascinating. I don’t think I am the right person to help you put it together, but I’m sure you could find a publisher for it. An editor would be the best person to help you shape the story.

            Did your mother have a horse and buggy, or did she ride with your father in his car? I can only imagine that this would be confusing for you children growing up, with two different sets of church rules.

            Lee Ann has a question for you, below.

        2. Anne

          Why I Became Amish

          Talking about the interest in this subject and the different ways to see this, I think there should be three books. The one Salmoa has already written, the one John should write, “Why I Choose to Stay Amish,” and the one my son could write, “Why I Became Amish”. Now that would round things out, don’t you think? 🙂

          1. Anne, what a great idea! I think we need one more, “Why David Didn’t Become Amish.” (Now if I only knew how to insert a smiley face, I would do that.)

      2. anne

        John, So sad to hear about this terrible abuse. My son was in a community in Virginia that had a problem like this. Would this be connected to your story? If a reply would be inappropriate here, don’t worry about it, as this may need to stay more confidential.
        Anne

    9. Dawn Searcy

      your life...........

      Wow! I would love to win your book! Thanks!

      1. Dawn, Eugenia, and Nicole, thank you for your interest in my book. I hope you get to read it.

    10. Eugenia

      Why I Left the Amish

      I would so love to have this book. God leads us all in different ways as we serve the Master, Jesus Christ.

    11. Nicole Shelley

      Comment

      I would like to read more about your life and your experience in your book. God bless.

      ~Nicole

    12. Nancy

      Your Book

      I would like to win a copy of your book as I truly would like to see the other side of a person living the Amish life. So many books lead us to believe what a plain and peaceful life they lead, now we have the true side I would like to read it.
      I pray that God will give you comfort through your writing of this book and you will truly be able to live in peace.

      1. Nancy, please remember that my book can only show what the other side of Amish life was FOR ME. I do not know how typical my experience is. There are very few things we can say about “the Amish” in general.

    13. Manuela

      Love your blog!

      Hi Saloma! I’ve been visiting your blog since October of 2011. I always enjoy your insights and the lovely photos you share. I would love to read your book. Thanks for the chance to win.

      1. Manuela, it is great to see you over here! Thank you so much for your compliments. It is readers like you who keep me going… thanks! Good luck in the drawing.

    14. Bob K

      Saloma,
      I thoroughly enjoyed reading your comments and those of the other respondents above. Unfortunately all communities, Amish and non-Amish alike, share the bad sides of human nature to some extent. I appreciate your insights on how this can be amplified in some Amish communities by secrecy and the supression of women speaking out against their husbands. How terrible it must be to see abuse affecting one’s own children and yet feel forbidden to seek help.

      1. Thank you, Bob, for your comments. I know — it’s the old conundrum of being given responsibility for something in which one has no power to change things. You’re right, we all have potential to do good in the world, but we also have potential to commit wrongs, Amish included. And once a family pattern has been started, it is so hard to break it. This can be especially true when family patterns and tradition reinforce one another… the dysfunction becomes normalized.

        Thanks again for your comments.

    15. Nancy

      Saloma, After spending several days reading through your blog, I know I want to read your book. I will at some point. The issue of abuse, mental health issues and sexual abuse in families does not just happen in closed societies. More than once I have read something in your blogs that resonates with me. We used to take a blanket and swing one of us in it, tossing each other on couch. I was the jump rope and hula hoop ‘queen’ in our house. I loved swinging and hopscotch and roller skating in the neighborhood. I, too, was raised in a house where loved ones had mental health issues. It is frightening for children and we were not supposed to talk about anything that happened at home. You were and are an incredibly strong person to have survived your early days–your decision to leave took courage–as did your decision to get help and heal. Blessings on you,

      1. Nancy, thank you for your very kind words. I love that too — that even though people have seemingly different situations, we can still relate to one another. This is the good side of being human… we can empathize, relate, and connect with one another. Thank you for your comments about my blog… it is always gratifying to know that it resonates with people. Many Blessings.

    16. OldKat

      We are just human after all ...

      Wow, have you touched a raw nerve! Rather lots of them. So many thoughts: how to condense them into something manageable to read, yet coherent?

      Here goes; I have this theory that we should never accept credit for something when we truly do not deserve it, because when we do we invariably end up having to take blame that we also don’t deserve. I guess cultures and communities are sometimes like that, too. Not sure if this is a universal trait, but Americans seem to go all the way one way or all the way another. See something positive about an ethnic or religious group and suddenly “All (fill in the blank) are good people”, see something negative and suddenly “All (fill in the blank) are bad people”. I like that Saloma has repeatedly made the point that she is NOT indicting ALL AMISH, but rather holding specific people to task for their specific actions.

      As much as I admire “The Amish” (whatever that may mean) church, culture and society … I understand that they are still an imperfect people living in an imperfect world. (Sort of like me). I just hope that those reading this book, as I intend to do, can keep this in mind. Likewise for the PBS special, which I will also be watching.

      Mid year last year Erik had a post on our favorite Amish books and I bought three or four that were highly recommended. While I have learned a lot from reading them and appreciate the scholarly work that went in to each, what I really devoured was Ira Wagler’s account of leaving the Amish. Not so much because I have some secret desire to see people leave that faith, I don’t. In fact I hope that work such as Saloma has penned will help shine the light of truth on such situations so that their communities may be purged of the offenders, be healed and further strengthened. What I found appealing about Ira’s story was that it was real life, personal and gut wrenching. I could RELATE to what he was talking about even though I had NOTHING in common with him other than we are fairly close to the same age and we are both males that had to struggle in finding our way through adolescence. I strongly suspect that I will enjoy Why I Left the Amish, by Saloma Miller Furlong whether I win it or whether I end up purchasing it. Thanks Saloma for sharing your own unique story with us.

      1. OldKat, thank you for reiterating my points. I too, learned a lot from reading Ira’s book — about what life was like in two other Amish communities (Aylmer, Ontario and Bloomfield, Iowa) and I also learned more about what it was like for a male living among the Amish. There were many things I could relate to, even though his story and mine are quite different.

        I hope you get a chance to read my book, and I hope you’ll lend me your perspective when you have. All the best to you.

    17. Pat Groshong

      a beautiful book...

      Is what you’ve written. Thank you.
      27334 nubbin ridge
      Bokoshe ok 74930

      1. Thank you, Pat. I appreciate the compliment.

    18. Ed

      Contest Entry

      I look forward to reading the book. I love this blog, that we can respectfully discuss all aspects of Amish life, the good, the bad, and the unique.

      1. Ed and Jarmila, I hope you both get to read the book.

    19. JARMILA SMITH

      I WOULD LOVE READ YOUR BOOK!!

    20. Lee Ann

      Saloma:

      I applaud you for stopping the abuse. If a person doesn’t step up and stop the abuse it will just continue. Im sorry you had to go through such a terrible childhood, but happy to hear you have a great husband! I do hope to purchase the book from you Saloma if I do not win it. I enjoy learning all I can about others and the different cultures. Your a beautiful women and deserve much happiness in life.

      John: Im curious as to how you are able to have access to a computer and this blog, if you do not have electricity, etc. How are you able to log on and use the computer with most Amish communities not allowing them?

      1. Lee Ann, thank you for your thoughts. I thank my lucky stars every day for David. We just got done with our “Saturday cleaning.” (Some Amish habits never die.) Cleaning the house is not bad when we do it together.

        The address for my blog is: http://aboutamish.blogspot.com/ You can also click on the link Erik provided above.

        I’m sorry to hear that you also were abused. Now that we are adults, we can choose to deal with it, when as children we were defenseless. It is not an easy path, but a necessary one. Strangely, I often think that working through the abuse issues has made me stronger. Sometimes blessings come in surprise packages.

      2. John Stoltzfus

        Lee Ann

        In most areas the taboo of Amish not using computers is starting to be a myth. There are many Amish that have access to computers, either via public library or neighbors, work place, company partnerships or at home stuck in a locked office. This used to be done very secretly, however within the last 6 months I actually have had our Bishop ask me to get a Church map together, which requires Google Earth, Microsoft Word etc…. oh and a computer.

        For me computer access started in 1990 when I was promoted to a Sales Dept in a local fabrication company and in 1997 I had my own company with a leased computer, doing Mechanical Machinery Design using a 3D Modeling Software, which I still do today, but working for someone else.

        The percentage of Amish using the computers in certain age groups is of course different, the older folks probably less than a few percent. Under 50 could than jump to over 10% and under 20 much higher, (this is only my observation). You just don’t go and put a sign out by the road that says “I have a computer”. The percentage of people that have internet access is much less, though.

        To a lot of people it sounds hypocritical, which it may be, however that is the only way we can keep up with the times that we are in. We don’t live in the 1770’s anymore, we have to adapt, however it will always be many years later.

        Being inside I have seen tremendous amounts of progression in a lot of communities in the last 15 years.

        Have a Blessed Day,

        John

        1. Tiffany

          John, how interesting that some Amish have access to/use the internet! That’s something I didn’t know. Are there many issues with it being abused? I know how it is when I get on the internet.. I can stay for hours and get nothing done otherwise!

    21. Lee Ann

      Saloma:

      May I have the website for your blog? I would love to follow it and learn more about you. Strong women need to stick together.

      I was abused growing up. It sticks with you.

    22. Liz Breeden

      Would love to read your book!

      1. Liz, Shari, and Dianne, thank you for your interest in my story. I hope you get to read it.

    23. Shari Larsen

      I would love to read your book, thank you for sharing your story!

    24. Dianne Anthony

      I would love to read your book – I have been interested in the amish people for a long time and read many amish books.

    25. Marlene Brubaker

      Definitely will read your book...

      I have several friends who decided to reorganize their lives and become Amish or Beachy Amish. As a former Mennonite (now Catholic) I have spent my life in between the community and the ‘world.’ My family ranges from Pike Mennonite (H&B), to relatively progressive.

      I have my grandmother’s cape dress and bonnet in my walk in closet, I see it every day. There are some days I feel as if my life would be much more simple if I went back to that sort of life. On the other hand, I’ve got an insatiable curiosity, and am often prone to speak truth to power. I have cousins who never graduated from high school, and are quite content in their life choices. But, it would take an awful lot of denial of self to do rejoin that community.

      Strangely enough, the mental illness issues in my family seemed to cluster in my progressive side of the family. The major depression is certainly genetic. Unfortunately, Mennonites weren’t in any better condition to handle mental illness than anyone else. My great grandfather wasn’t Mennonite, and he shot himself with his service revolver. I have conservative 2 cousins who hung themselves within a week of each other, my sister attempted 5 times, and my brother killed himself 6 years ago. None of these people, conservative, progressive or even non-Mennonite felt they had anyone to turn to.

      I think that mental illness is just barely being discovered, acknowledged, and treated in the ‘world’ and in insulated religious communities takes on another dimension. Often people would look down on my grandmother for having a severely autistic child. On the other hand, my Pike Mennonite cousins have children with disabilities, and they are treated as full members of the community.

      I think it is just hard to generalize. I am glad that you are content with your new life.

      1. I must have hit the wrong button… this went to the end… here it is again.

        Uffh, Marlene, what story about your family! How tragic! It’s too bad their depression wasn’t recognized or that they didn’t reach into the outside world to get it, if need be.

        I am not familiar with “Pike Mennonites.” I assume because they are H&B, they are probably closer in their beliefs to Amish than they are to the evangelical Conservative Mennonites.

        Thank you for your comments. Many Blessings.

    26. Andy Dufresne

      Would love to read the book.

      I would love to read this book. Hope to gain a better understanding of the Amish that I am neighbor to here in Western New York.

      1. Andy, I hope you get a chance to read my book, but it may or may not help understand the people in Western New York. Each community has its own set of rules, and they each have a different “personality.” Some customs are universal, but not that many.

        I have quite a few cousins in Conewanga Valley, New York. Even Geauga County considered them “strict.” Still, I really liked many of my cousins, at least the ones I knew. Many of them were older than me, so I didn’t know them very well.

        Thanks for your comments.

    27. Steven von motz

      Why didn't another family help

      Often Amish and their faith are put on pedestals by us Englishers. We all have to know they are human too. I love the closeness they share with others in their community and family. So if you all were so close why didn’t another family offer to take you in or help??? Since they don’t like help from outsiders why don’t they have Amish foster care or intervention for the families like yours??? I am so glad you didn’t loose your faith in God!!!

      1. Steven, this is a complicated question. In the eight grades of education that the Amish receive, there is no time, nor is there an inclination to teach psychology. In addition, most Amish I know, don’t recognize that there is a psychological basis for deviant or aberrant behavior. They have only one set of tools for “correcting” these behaviors… public confession. Once that confession has been made, then everyone is required to “forgive and forget” — we were literally forbidden to ever talk of it again. This cleans the slate for the abuser. While the abuser is being dealt with, the victim is not. Because the psychology of the abuser is not addressed, it can actually aid in the vicious cycle. It will most likely happen again… and again. So, even if someone had tried to help our situation, it would most likely not have been effective.

        When I left the Amish the first time and I let it be known that I would not return at least until my father was treated for his mental illness (by now I recognized it as such), my father did get the help he needed. He was soon treated for his schizophrenia and bipolar with medication, which was a Godsend. He was no longer violent for the last 25 years of his life.

        I did not know until a year ago that it was because I left that my father was treated. I was also unaware that because of the successful treatment of my father’s mental illness, others in the community were more apt to seek help for their mental illness.

        Something radical usually has to happen to break the cycle. Apparently when I left, my mother felt compelled to reach into the outside world to get the help he needed. The people in the community were simply not equipped.

        1. John Stoltzfus

          Psychic Help

          Saloma,

          I don’t know the time frame when you decided to leave, 15 – 20 years ago, today there is an entirely different view of mental health. In the last 10 years there are a few “New” metal health facilities that were built and are run by the Amish and Mennonites and in a lot of cases it makes a huge difference.

          Unfortunately it took your experience and many others for this to sink in and have people recognize the need.

          Later,

          John

        2. Wondercat

          So too with certain medical interventions

          The first liver transplant in an Amish child was a nine-days-wonder. After that, families with liver disease were no longer breaking trail: A precedent had been set, and could be followed. Not for all families, mind you. But some saw a new route, one that offered a different kind of hope from that of faith in a reunion after death, and followed that new route… Easier for the third than the second, and for the second than the first.

    28. juan carlos

      hello Erik and Saloma. thank you for offering the opportunity to win the book. count me in for sure. thank you.

      1. Juan, I hope you get a chance to read my book. Good luck.

    29. Julie Carte

      Loved this interview excerpt

      I would love a copy of this book. I’ve been fascinated with the Amish for some time and would love to read about the real workings of the Amish rather then the fiction I have devoured.

      1. Julie, I hope you get to read the book. While my book will give you a more realistic view of Amish life than most of the Amish fiction out there, do know that this is just one life among many, and that my story is my own – each Amish person would have a very different one to tell.

    30. Uffh, Marlene, what story about your family! How tragic! It’s too bad their depression wasn’t recognized or that they didn’t reach into the outside world to get it, if need be.

      I am not familiar with “Pike Mennonites.” I assume because they are H&B, they are probably closer in their beliefs to Amish than they are to the evangelical Conservative Mennonites.

      Thank you for your comments. Many Blessings.

    31. Mylene

      Why I Left The Amish Giveaway

      Saloma, I would be honored to win your book. I am an Amish “follower”, I read everything Amish, visit all the Amish communities and have many items made by the Amish in my home.
      I have heard there are abusive families in the communities, as there are those in the “english” world as well. I am sorry to hear about your abusive upbringing. I applaud you for leaving to make a better life for yourself. I hope your siblings are all doing the same.

      Thanks for the opporunity to win this book.

      1. Mylene, thanks for your interest. My sisters have all left the Amish, and both brothers have stayed. We are the only family in my home community I know of in which all the women left and the men stayed. I hope you get to read the book.

    32. Marybeth Trilling

      I would love to win a copy of this book.

      I am very interested in lives of different people, especially with a deep religious focus. I think it opens the door to understanding and caring about other cultures and respect for the individuals involved. I would probably purchase a copy if I do not win, and understand people are fascinated by Amish life and culture (and cooking) so there will probably be a lot of people who enter the contest. I appreciate deep ties to family and was fortunate to grow up with extended family living together in my own life, my great grandfather we called GG, Banan and Papa(my grandparents), mother, father and 2 siblings all in a big rambling home. Whatever storms life throws at me the memories and love of family are always there to anchor me from this amazing start. My GG lived to be 94 and both grandparents and father have passed on but my family is still a major part of my life. It would be an honor to read your story and to share with nieces and nephew so they understand the importance of community, both good and bad. Thank you for writing this book, I look forward to reading it.

    33. Marybeth, it is always so heartwarming to hear positive stories of how a multi-generational family helped shape a child’s life. I’m so glad this was the case for you. Thank you for your interest in my story — I hope you get to read it. Depending on the ages (and sensibilities) of your nieces and nephews, I suggest you might want to read the book first and see if you think it’s appropriate for them. Many blessings to you.

    34. Carol Sherman

      Amish life.

      I love reading about the Amish and I always thought that I would like to live the way they do. I still would like to live in the country and raise my food and most of the time I would like to get rid of the computer. I don’t have T.V. reception which is good because you can get a lot more done without it. I don’t think that I would do so good in the religion department as I am a christian and want to worship my way and believe in the things that I grew up believing not what I am told to do.
      I would love to read your book. I think it would help me learn things as they really are. Thanks for answering all the questions that we have asked you.

    35. Carol Sherman

      You are a very pretty lady. I love your hair cut and I would hate to see your hair all pulled back under a kapp.

      1. Carol, it’s my pleasure to answer questions and respond to comments. Thanks to all of you who have commented!

        I agree… television and other modes of having a screen in front of our faces can be a distraction from what is important in life (she says as she types this on her computer). I don’t have a working television in my house, either. We use one to watch movies once in a while.

        I hope you get to live the life you want to… in Thoreau’s words: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams – live the life you have imagined. I agree, if I could have lived the life of the Amish with my own spiritual beliefs, I would still be there.

        I hope you get to read my book, but do keep in mind that this is my story… anyone else’s would be very different, even having grown up Amish.

        Thank you for your compliments. Many blessings to you.

    36. Melissa H

      I’m definately going to check my local library to see if they have a copy of this book! I think it’ll be a great read. Thanks for sharing your story Saloma!

      And thanks for the heads-up on the PBS Special Erik. I’ve got it down on my calendar!

      1. Melissa, I hope your library has it… if not, you may be able to request it and they can either get it through inter-library loan or they may buy a copy. All the best to you.

    37. Felicia

      What an incredible story. Even as I read your answers here on this site, I can hear the undertone of what you must have gone through, but also the possible pain others may suffer due to the shroad of secrecy of that culture. I pray others don’t opt to stay (that are in similar situations), unlike yourself, thinking there is no way out and believing that is what God’s will for their lives is. I believe in humility and meekness as Christians, but not at the cost of knowing the fullness of our Heavenly Father and what that means for your life. Thanks for the interview read Erik and I would love to read your book. Blessings to you, Saloma!

      1. Felecia, thank you for your interest in my story. I’m sure there are others who do feel that it’s God’s Will that they stay, even if they are in oppressive situations. If there is anything I’ve learned in my 54 years on this earth, it’s that God gave us free will, which means we all have to choose our own path… who am I to judge whether others’ paths are right for them, even when they include enduring pain? Some Amish see enduring pain (being a martyr) as their way to heaven. It just so happens that I have a lower pain tolerance than most, and so I left. It so happens that I feel that breaking the silence is a big part of breaking the cycle and begin the healing… and so I wrote my story.

        I believe all this about adults among the Amish, but it’s the children who are in abusive situations who cannot exercise free will that I feel bad for and pray they will find advocates.

        Many blessings to you, too.

    38. Jennifer Walters

      Would love to win this book-it is on my reading list.Thanks!

    39. Vicki Lynch

      Why I left the Amish Giveaway

      I love the Amish and there simple ways. I would be honored to win this book by you. I know not all stay in the Amish community and I understand that too. I really enjoyed your interview and whether or not if I win your book I will definitely be buying it. Thank you so much for the opportunity to win this giveaway. God Bless You!!!

      1. Vicki, thank you for your support for the book. I hope you enjoy reading it.

    40. Tammy Traxler

      Your story is very interesting. I have always been fascinated by the Amish. I want to read your story because I know that the things you went through happen in every walk of life, Amish or otherwise.

      1. Tammy, thanks for your interest in my story, and what you say is so true.

    41. Amy Fields

      Comment on why I left the Amish giveaway

      I was very interested in this article. It is good to see something other than the rosy Amish. My uncle Jim helped an ex-Amish girl and her husband. She wrote a book also. Would love to read this one! Thanks for the giveaway

      1. Amy, thank you for your interest in my book. Did the story you mentioned get published? Good luck with the giveaway.

    42. Jackie Tessnair

      Comment on Saloma Miller Furlong on Why I Left the Amish (giveaway)

      I would love to win this book….sounds very interesting.I love to read amish books.Thanks…jackie_tessnair@yahoo.com

      1. Jackie, thank you for your interest and I hope you enjoy reading it.

    43. Michelle

      I would love to be placed in the drawing for this giveaway. This sounds like an insightful book to read. Thank you!

      1. Michelle and Christine, thank you for your interest in my book. I hope you get to read it.

    44. Christine

      Dear Saloma,
      Thank you so much for being so brave to tell your story. I am sorry for what you had to go thru. May God bless you now as you share your story and shed light on some things. Best Wishes.
      I would love a copy of your book.

    45. Norma Fredrickson

      Very Interested

      I am doing a research paper on the Amish and would love to read your book and get a look at the other side.

      Thanks for the offer,

      ~norma

      1. Norma, good luck with your research paper. I hope you find my story helpful.

    46. Heidi Hurtado

      I would love to win your book and hear your story. Everyone’s story is very different.

      God Bless,

      Heidi

      1. Heidi, I agree… we all have a unique story to tell. Happy reading!

    47. Courageous

      As I read your story I was struck by how courageous you are and an inspiration to others who may be in a similar situation but feeling alone and helpless. You gave this elephant in the living room a voice. That voice said….no more. I am inspired by you, applaud you and wish you continuous blessings.

      1. Virginia, thank you for your kind words. It is, of course, gratifying to know when someone finds my story inspiring. Blessings to you, too.

    48. Lynne Young

      Wow!

      What an inspiring story. I would love to read this book. Sometimes the “Amish” fiction we get to read is just that, fiction. It would be nice and refreshing to read a non-fiction personal account of someone’s journey.

      Lynne Young
      lynne(dot)young(at)gmail(dot)com

      1. Lynne, I hope you find my story refreshing. I do like to provide an alternative to the bonnet fiction out there. The authors who did not grow up Amish just get so many details wrong. Happy reading!

    49. Kimberlee

      I would love the opportunity to win this book. Thank you!

      1. Kimberlee and Linda, I hope you both get to read my book. Thank you for your interest.

    50. Linda in AR

      This book sounds so interesting I would love to win it!