“You Do It In The Dark”: Lovina Zook Describes Dating In One Of The Plainest Amish Groups

Last week we got to know more about Lovina Zook, a young Amish-raised woman who makes popular recipe videos. Since then, a reader brought to my attention a short video clip (at bottom) by CBS News, with Lovina describing dating practices in her community.

The reader was concerned about people getting the wrong idea on what “Amish dating” actually is, based on this clip. This is worth spending a minute on, for a couple of reasons.

First, I think it’s worth pointing out that, like a lot of former Amish people, when describing what to them are “Amish practices”, they are nearly always talking about their own specific experience – as you’d expect.

And they often aren’t telling or repeating disclaimers like “this is how we did it, other communities are different” every 30 seconds.

I don’t really blame them for that – especially if they’re answering questions about themselves, and not framing what they’re presenting as “this is how the Amish do things” – as if they mean all Amish people. So this clip is interesting from that perspective.

Second, there’s what Lovina specifically describes as dating in her community. She shares a practice seen most often in the plainer Amish groups, like the Swartzentruber Amish, known as “bundling” or bed courtship.

Lovina Describes Dating In Her Amish Community

Here’s the first excerpt:

Faith Salie (CBS News): Um, what are, what are the basics of Amish dating?

Lovina Zook: Um, you do it in the dark. You can never be seen together in the daylight, and you can’t talk to your partner’s parents if you’re dating. And you can only see each other once a week.

Faith Salie: And what does it mean that you date in the dark? What do you do?

Lovina: You only see each other during the night. At around 9 o’clock, the boyfriend comes to the girlfriend’s house – the door stays unlocked so you can just walk in – comes to her house, and goes up to her bed, and stays in her bed until four in the morning. And then he goes home.

Faith Salie: What happens in the bed?

Lovina: You talk and sleep. You can’t have sex, because that’s not allowed until you’re married. But you just talk and sleep, and that’s all.

This understandably is one of the more attention-getting traditional practices. As Lovina says, it’s meant to be just about talking and sleeping. Common sense tells us that in practice it’s not always limited to that.

Amish who practice this are aware of how it might look, according to Saloma Miller Furlong, author of Why I Left The Amish, who grew up in the Geauga County, Ohio Amish community. She addressed bed courtship practice in a past interview here:

Even the Amish who still practice bed courtship (and most communities no longer do) are embarrassed to talk about this practice, because it is hard to explain to outsiders that they are not encouraging their young people to have sex, even though they allow them to go to bed together.

Lovina explains further:

Faith Salie: And that’s dating?

Lovina: That’s dating. And then he goes home –

Faith Salie: Can you kiss?

Lovina: Yes, you can. I think – I never did, but I think you can. [laughter]

Faith Salie: And do both the boy and the girl need to be agreed that this is what’s going to happen?

Lovina: Yes. And then after the first night, the guy has to be like, “So, you want me to come back in two weeks? Or do you want me to take you home after church, or after the singing next Sunday evening?” And if you want to, you say yes. And if you don’t want to, you say no.

The thing is, as Saloma notes, it’s not exactly a widespread, common way of dating for the Amish nowadays. It may have been more common at one time among Amish, but is generally considered limited to plainer groups at this time.

Bundling has roots, in this country at least, going back to Colonial America, where at one time a device called a bundling board – essentially a blocking plank placed in the middle of the bed between the pair – was used to keep couples from getting too close.

Another, Quite Different Version Of “Amish Dating”

It should be noted a good number of Amish emphasize “clean courtship”, in particular New Order groups. Amish Cook columnist Gloria Yoder, herself a member of a New Order Amish church, once described what her first date with her eventual husband Daniel looked like.

This version of Amish dating as described by Gloria is a much more public affair – and doesn’t involve lying together in bed until the wee hours:

After having a mutual agreement to begin a friendship a day is picked for the couple to have their first date. Generally it is kept as a secret until then. The boy will then take the girl from church to her house on a Sunday afternoon where they spend time together.

Daniel came to Flat Rock for our first date. He traveled with his brother who also had a girlfriend in our community.

After the Sunday services I nervously, yet eagerly, waited until it was time to go home. When the time finally came to leave we walked out to our buggy and helped each other hitch up the horse. It seemed like there were people everywhere watching us, most of them very surprised to see the two of us together.

We spent the afternoon at our cabin chatting, reading the Bible and praying together. After our date we joined the other youth for supper and a hymn singing.

So, quite a different way of things. And of course, those aren’t the only two things the Amish do for dates. Some might do more “English” activities, like going to a concert or movie. Like many things, there are quite a few different “Amish ways” in the practice of courtship and dating.

CBS News Adds The Right Note

To their credit, CBS News makes it pretty clear that this is Lovina talking about a specific practice, in her own community, in the description of the video (emphasis mine):

Ex-Amish social media creator Lovina Hershberger Zook, who has amassed some six million followers sharing Amish recipes and stories, explains the traditions of dating in the community she grew up in, one of the most conservative among the Amish.

The 23-year-old tells Faith Salie that couples meet at night, spend hours talking together and abstain from sex before marriage. More this Sunday.

While it’s not stated within this short-form clip – and the reporter does ask her about “Amish dating” without any qualifiers – it is clearly stated there in the description. And making that distinction, at least, is more than some news outlets bother to do.

A final note – I see this as Lovina simply talking about her own experiences. Her focus is on doing recipe videos, and in them, it seems she talks about her own Amish experience when it comes up in that context. Or, in other cases when asked about it by outsiders, for instance when she goes on podcasts.

So in other words, she is describing bundling here when asked about “Amish dating”, because that’s what she knows. At the same time, she doesn’t seem to be positioning her channel as an authoritative source on all things Amish. Or, focusing on teaching videos that leave out mention of different practices within the Amish.

Watch the roughly 90-second clip below and see what you think: